A Love Letter to my Mother

People say to me.."you should blog more"...the thing is, I can't blog about nothing...I have to feel inspired. Sometimes it's light and sometimes it heavy, and sometimes it's about love. Like this one.

I just spent 3 days with my beautiful Mom, Gail Saker. She continually defies gravity and ageing, and is an absolute beauty for pushing 70. ( Sorry Mom about revealing your age you should be proud!)

Mom, although lots will read this, this letter is for you, take it as an early Mother's Day Gift. You deserve it. I want to thank you first and foremost for always being there for me. As I write this I know your cute little self is sitting at your gate in Montreal ready to board to Nova Scotia. I can picture it, reading your book that you are way behind on for book club, and not even realising you can get free Wifi at the airport. Trust me, my technical "Un-savvyness" comes naturally lol!

I know life has been a roller coaster with me sometimes, and you and Dad call me "the spice in our lives" but I know it hasn't been easy. You have had to shoulder some major disappointments in my life, but have always rallied with me when there have been victories. You have kept silent when all I wanted was an ear, you where firm when I needed (and still do) need necessary advice and constructive discipline!

The patience is what I am most thankful for. You are right I can be prickly when the going gets rough, I am tired (like always!) or god knows for whatever reason!! So in fact it is true, when I introduce you to friends and strangers and I say "This is my Mom she is a nicer version of me" it's true.
I do wish I was more like you. You see joy in a lot of things, you certainly are grateful and most of all loyal to many people. I know you fret and worry about me, especially in the car on Friday, when I finally broke down after the worlds worst week. All I can do is thank the Universe you were here. You put a gentle hand on my shoulder and said....just think of good things.

After the massage we enjoyed today, I looked over at you so peaceful and lovely and very relaxed. You looked so sweet and innocent, which you are.  So now you go home and what are you going to do? Organise my wedding. Really your tireless support for me and your future son-in law is forever appreciated.

Just know, that if I have been a brat or not seem appreciative for all you have done for me, know this...I worship you and so do many others. Happy Mother's Day. I Love you


PS If you are reading this and you sadly have lost your Mom, write her a love letter anyway, she will know.  If you lost touch with your Mom or Step Mom,  maybe time to reach out and just say Hi........as I see my parents get older before my eyes, I realise how precious life is and so fleeting.  Don't waste it.


Xo Donna

Me Worried? Ya ...A Bit........

Hello lovelies!!!  I'm back.......it's been a while....I know I am truly sorry......4 months ago I wrote my last blog.....Here's the thing......as much as I love to write......I get tired of talking about me.....god knows you have to listen all day....everyone needs a break from me...even I do!! LOL!

It's been a challenging few months. My health has not been great. Yes I have been worried. Ask anyone around me I am the Queen of "What If".......and guess what nothing bad ever really happened when I worried about my health until recently. I have been burned out for awhile..I actually didn't realize it until my body decided to remind me....."You aren't handling this baby girl!"

About 8 weeks ago I got this nasty bronchitis that a lot of us in Montreal came down  with...hard to shake right, and most of us were on antibiotics, inhalers, nasal spray blah blah blah.......if you have been sick or suffer from any kind of illness you know how it can chip away at your spirit and even your happiness. I have struggled to keep my spirits up, good days and not so good.....but I forged on.....started to feel better..started to get back to the gym and then started  to feel back on track...or so I thought........ Let me tell you, your body will give you all the signs it needs to to tell you that something is not right.......and something is not right.......the last ten days have been miserable for me.....major allergy reaction to something.......excruciating pain in my back......night sweats......heartburn......what the hell.........back to the Doctor.........you know when your Doctor walks into the room and takes a look at you and says.....Jesus......Donna what's going on......you worry.   And I have worried.   Worse case scenarios......, well don't blame me...I am being tested for things that no one wants to be tested for.....  I still don't have results back yet and I don't know what the outcome will be....but I will tell you one thing I have done...after crying my eyes out and the pity party was over and why is this happening  bullshit.......I shifted my whole outlook on life.

Let me tell you something and let me be very clear.  If you do not have your health, you have nothing.  In the last week I have prayed to whoever is listening to make sure I am healthy and okay. I get up in the morning and thank my stars I have the most beautiful man in my life. I am thankful for my delicious friends who are always there for me. I am thankful for my family and  adorable parents. I am thankful for my career although it takes more than it should out of me everyday. I thank you for always listening to my show, writing me wonderful notes.

All the fights, jealousy, anger, hate mail (yes hate mail) stupid little things are such a waste in life.....I have wasted so much time on worry and what if.........Remember one cannot change the past, but one can ruin the present worrying over the future. So stop being angry, stop holding a grudge, be kind to yourself and others....don't waste another second.

Whatever the outcome is of my health, I am embracing life in all its joy and what it has to offer.......my body is talking to me.....tapping me on the shoulder......so......I have to listen to my heart and I may have to make some big decisions but that's okay I am ready.......be peaceful and hope for a healthy happy long life...I hope that for you too....xoxox

A broken heart will heal.........

Changing the world begins
with the very personal process of changing yourself,
the only place you can begin is where you are,
and the only time you can begin is always now."      

~ Gary Zukav ~
What a week. What a year. Lots of bad, bad things have happened, especially recently with those sweet innocent victims in  Newtown, CT.  Not to take anything away from those sweet kids....but awful things happen everyday around the world  to children and innocent people. It's hard to make sense of any of it really.  To be honest, I don't try to anymore, and I will tell you why. Even if we had the best reason why things happen would it make us feel better?  Probably not...even though we still need closure we still have to go through grieving process and finally some sort of acceptance.

I recently started to meditate and it has started a major shift in who I am and how I act. We have all had our share of things happen in our lives that have broken us down, broken our hearts made us angry, insecure and confused. For the most part I feel like I have wasted a lot of very good energy on negative thoughts.

Here is an example. Divorce. Hurt and anger followed and then insecurity. All for what? The only thing that was driving that was my ego...and my ego wanted answers....was it me? Could have I done anything different...the answer is no and no.  The one thing that meditation has taught me is that the universe is as it should be right now and trust it. Even the bad stuff. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But it helps. 

 

Gary Zukav who I quoted above spent many hours on the Oprah show and I remember him trying to help a woman who had one of her twin boys die. ..........this to me is one of the most powerful moments in television

That's right. Everyone is a soul whether you are here for one day or 5 years or 50 or a 100........we are all precious souls.....so this is why I have learned to forgive and send love...even to the meanest and most misguided people.....because at one point they were born a soul...and then life happened......who am I to judge how someone has chosen to live their lives good or bad, healthy or unwell....... good values  or bad.....so this means that anyone who has ever hurt me....lovers, friends  bosses......I have forgiven......and in turn sent them love and positive energy...even to the meanest baddest people who ripped me apart.....sending them good thoughts right now......and you know what my own soul is thanking me for it.......It has released so much negativity and sadness from my life. Who needs it.....as we where shown this week..(again) life is short.........why don't you try to  flow through life with as little pain as possible....its a choice ...plain and simple....trust that everything is going to be okay no matter what. I have spent too many years worrying about this and that and what if that happens!?? Enough.......Be sad and angry for a moment....put the bad stuff in a box and put  it away somewhere where you can access it if you need to but that its not at the forefront of your thoughts.......remember thoughts become things......make them good ones....

So as we move into 2013.......try and be a little more peaceful, don't blame so much and be such a victim........take your precious moments and make the best of this wonderful soul you have been given...I am.

God Bless  xoxox

What's your excuse??

Interesting thought isn't it. C.S Lewis was and still is one of my favourite writers and poets. I will share a quote at the end of this ( if you don't get bored lol) of one of my favourite American poets... it is so profound it shakes me in my stilettos.....OK boots who am I kidding.....my stilettos are far back in my closet....but they want to be worn.  So, Mr. C.S Lewis....... Another one of my favourite quotes came from C.S. is when this Irish boy moved to England.

"No Englishman will be able to understand my first impressions of England"
 I love that quote so much from the book Surprised By Joy ( great title isn't it!? )

This is what that quote means to me. Unless you have lived my exact life  and experienced every detail as me, you probably really wont know who I am or what I feel. And that's okay. We all have lived a happy, painful, sad, exciting, (I could add 100 adjectives here) life! You only truly know who you are. WE are not perfect as humans I have said that over and over again, but what you have to look at, is how do you really portray yourself to others.

Do you feel a different way but act differently.  Do you act happy on the outside but really portray something on the inside? A lot of us probably do. There is about 20% of me that I don't like. Not one bit, in fact I loathe it. It has ruined a lot of relationships and caused undue downright miserableness.   This moment rears its ugly head more than I care to let it.

You are probably thinking (or not) oh stop being so hard on yourself  Donna we all make mistakes. Sure. Fair Enough. Its the ones that we make over and over again.  And the fallout that remains.

If you look back on your life you will find you have what I like to call "markers"  Defining moments, of pain, happiness, shock...big moments.......I bet if you think right now there is one that jumps into your head. I had one today. In fact I am still reeling from it.  Someone who I care about and respect told me my behaviour was ( at a certain moment) quote APPALLING. 

ap·pall

 /əˈpɔl/ 

verb (used with object)

to fill or overcome with horror, consternation, or fear; dismay: He was appalled by the damage from the fire. I am appalled at your mistakes.

Pretty harsh isn't it? Too mean? Perhaps. Big marker today. Listen carefully, it wasn't the bad behaviour that prompted the nasty description of me....it was my behavior afterwards.....the excuses, the blame.....That my friends  is where we get defined as humans. I am convinced of it. We as people...make excuses all the time for poor behavior.....bad relationships, periods, health and hormones, tired, hungry, lost job, lost love...always an excuse. Now don't get me wrong, of course you are allowed to feel bad, when bad things happen, but are you taking it out on others...or blaming others for your crappy behaviour?......Stop it. Stop making excuses. I have run out of mine, and trust me I have tried them all...and the story is getting boring especially to me.

I am so tired of the sound of my voice and my rambling thoughts.  I really need to seek solace in the quiet.  I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow and if the person I upset will forgive me and perhaps they won't I hope they do forgive me though, but it's okay if they don't.  One thing is for sure, I forgive myself... But I will move forward and onward of no more excuses (and if I do have them they will be kept to myself ).  Now, are you ready to behave?? I really hope your life works out for you..you deserve  it and so do I. No excuses.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving( 1783-1859)

Thanks for visiting xox

                                                 

Life....not getting it quite right...yet

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Ah...Joni Mitchell. No one can write songs like her. No one. This is is one of her all time greats. Also one of the best scenes in my favourite film...Love Actaully...remember this scene......

I know its unbearable...clearly so is my videotaping lol!! But this song came onto my Ipod today and it really resonated with me........ The lyrics really spoke to me, looked at Life from both Sides Now.  The last couple of months I decided it was time to start meditating. It has been quite the journey. Only 15 minutes a day. This is what I have learned so far. You must release things in your life that no longer serve you a purpose. If  it does not make you feel happy or fulfilled let it go.  Meditation also teaches us to forgive ourselves. It's okay to feel sad, angry. jealous, insecure remorseful...all those things that occupy our silly brains.....I have been getting really good at it lately and have been really tested with some situtions that I think a lot of people could have not handled well and I was proud of myself at how far I have come. But like every human. I slip up.  "Anxiety creates a false picture of the world, piling on things to be afraid of that are in fact harmless. The mind adds fear. If the mind can undo the perception of fear, the danger will vanish. " Thank you Mr. Chopra, sometimes easier said than done.  It's bad enough when the people you love get upset at you for mistepping or screwing up but then we are own worst enemy. Sometimes I feel like "the little engine that could"...I think I can I think I can.....but then I feel like when I don't have support or encouragenent, I feel like I can't get there. I don't always get the help I need, and that is when I must pick myself up and dust myself off and carry on. This is the best kind of growth actually..doing it on your own.  But here is the really big important step. If you forgive yourself you must forgive others. I know I am a handful sometimes. I am passionate, emotional sometimes erratic, but I do know this....I am loving, caring, honest, kind and very loyal.  And, I do not always get it right. I mess up, say stupid things, act like a child, sometimes can be hurtful...don't think I don't know that...but Life is a journey and if you know someone who has got it perfectly right, please introduce me......if you have someone in your life who is patient with your foibles and not too judgmental, embrace them, we all need someone in our life who can put an arm around our waist and say "I know sometimes you can be a goof, but I got your back, I am not leaving you till you tell me to leave."

Thank you for having my back Robin. xo

Broken Dreams...Make new Ones

 See that cutie pie on the left, that's me.  That's my Poppy, my Mom's Dad. Lovely man. HE in fact is the one who inspired me to get into radio. He was a great radio man himself.  I followed that dream, radio, and it has all come true for me. My career dream. Today however I realised and that another dream is not going to come true.
I was at a very close friends baby shower today, someone I adore in fact. This is is her first baby. Actually pretty much all the women at the shower were Mommies. Not me. I was sitting there listening to all the stories about labour, breast feeding and the best stroller to buy, trying to swallow the lump in my throat realising that within 24 hrs I was probably going to be told that I was starting early menopause at 46. So as I revelled in the  excitement in this wonderful time in my friends life I couldn't help but be reflective, and sad.  I realised it was not going to happen for me. I was not going to have a baby, and really not sure if will ever get a shot at even being a mother.
 That little girl on her Poppy's lap, envisioned growing up getting married and having babies. I guess the reason why it so painful now, its not so much that its no longer a personal choice, its now that I have no choice. That part of the body is closing down. It never bothered me much until now. No choice. I won't know what it feels like to be with the man I love and decide to start a family.  I may at best, be a step mom to someone elses children,  maybe a friend or like a "fun aunt". So, I have to accept that. This is my journey, not a parent. I do appreciate the comments of friends, who say adopt, be a foster parent, yes I get all that, this is more about me, my body, my heartache of letting that dream go.

So I was reflecting today, sitting about 5 cars back from a red light. A young homeless boy was walking between the cars, holding a sign.  Broke, Hungry and Lonely. Heart into my throat. No one was giving him money. As he approached my car with sunken cheeks, hollow eyes, I noticed beneath the tattered clothes was a staggeringly beautiful boy. Maybe 18 if a day. Sad brown eyes. I beckoned him over to the car and gave him a toonie. He smiled and thanked me and carried on. I looked at him in my rear view mirror, and I wondered, what happened, where is his family, where did it go wrong, who is there for him. What were his dreams? School, success a family? His dream now, to find shelter, eat maybe? Probably more than anything an arm around him telling him it would be okay.

As my car inched forward I found myself at the front of the line at the red light. The boy stopped at my car again asking for change, not realising I was part of a new line of cars. He leaned down, and realised it was me again, and said, "I am so sorry but thank you again for your kindness, you have been the only one today." I don't know what happened in that moment to me. Even though I had realised my "baby dream" was over I wanted him to hold onto something.I wanted to give him hope. Give him some sort of second chance. I reached into my wallet, I had some extra money this week, what was I going to do with it? Shoes? A martini? Wasteful. So I handed the mystery boy a $100 bill. He looked at me, stunned at first, and said "why so much"?  I said, because you need someone to believe in you, so get somewhere warm, feed yourself and I want you to work on new dreams, will you do that for me"? He looked at me with those big brown eyes  filled with tears and said "Yes, I promise you and thank you for believing in me"  For a fleeting moment, I felt like his Mother, I was there for him to guide him. Not all homeless kids are drug addicts or trouble, he wasn't, whatever his story is he couldn't go  back. I hope I helped him go forward. I hope he makes it.

So even though I will never be a "Mommie" in a true literal sense, I know I am here to help somebody. I am not sure yet what my true calling is yet, but I do know this, if you have found that your dreams are broken, you are not alone, make some new ones and forge on. There will always be a part of me that mourns that I will never be called Mom, but I do hope one day someone feels like no matter what, I got their back.

PS. To my darling friends, on their way to being Mommies, you are truly blessed, but you know that : )

Thanks for visiting,
Donna

An Open Love Letter............

Goodbye. The hardest word in my vocabulary. I have had to say it more than I like recently. I wonder why it is so difficult for me. There is this underlying worry that I will not see them again. Sometimes you don't.

I don't like being an open book on here. It's easier on my radio show, once I have said it its gone , but I write it down it's here forever.

I really admire the Buddhists. “If you attach to (or desire) something that doesn’t last because it has no abiding substance/essence you’re going to get hurt. Ergo, Detatch! ”

That's right Buddhists don't get attached to anything the only thing you own is yourself (and sometimes that is debatable)

Yet I cannot detach, I get consumed with love and people. Someone once said to me
"Donna you don't like your own company" kind of harsh isn't it.?...But there is some truth to it. I have sat in a room alone for many years, with a microphone have worked crazy hours opposite to everyone else's hours, so I have spent many hours by myself.
 I have found that after you say goodbye and you are alone, and after the dust has settled, this is then time to reflect. This is what I am doing now.

I believe that people come into your life for a reason and sometimes they leave to, for a short time, a long time, maybe forever..and you won't know until the end. So as I said goodbye recently, here is my open letter of gratitude and love, now that the dust has settled.

You came into my life by chance. I was dealing with old ghosts yet you were not afraid although you yourself were healing. You saw beneath the tough skin I portrayed angry, untrusting and without hope. You knew what was beneath it all. And you waited.

I yelled, I jostled, I pushed, I pulled ......you stayed calm, you were patient, you taught, you disciplined, you retreated, you came back, you loved....me

And now, you are onto new adventures, and have given me the tools that I need to be the person I have always wanted to be. Whatever happens from here you must know that I waited for you, so saying goodbye was extra hard .....because as you know.......you made everything better.....143

My advice my friends, cherish every second you have with your loved ones, don't waste time on trivial stuff, be kind, forgive, be patient, laugh, love and enjoy every second with them, because one day they will we be gone, we all will.....and if you have to say goodbye, whether its temporary or for good.....be grateful you had them in your life.......

See you back on air......all by myself with you keeping me company xo